I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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