Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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