Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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