I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
