Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
