He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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