P.S. I can't hear my feet
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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