You just made me feel so damn special
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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