i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
