my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
