i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
