The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
