You're completely useless in the revolution.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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