i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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