after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
