I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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