Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
