her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
