I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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