theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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