Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
