why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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