Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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