He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
