he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
