someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
