My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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