Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
