he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
