careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
