dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
