He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
