So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
