I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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