I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
