I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So squirting runs in the family.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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