My friends, they love my intelligence
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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