I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
