Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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