Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
