Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
