If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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