I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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