I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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