Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
there's paper in my vomit.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
