Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
