hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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