Can i not drive my cunt home
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
