Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize