Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
