you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
