You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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