so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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