Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
