so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
