I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
