Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
