News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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