Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
