I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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