my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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