the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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