Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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